Stu In Progress

The saddest thought I have in my life is that it will come to an end and that I will loose everything that I know, love and feel.

The more I wonder, the more I dream, the more I become saddened if hereafter there is nothing, for then nothing really matters, there is no point over and above us that exists in the universe.

Are we merely a function, a result in a algorithm?

If so, how pointless and sad we are.

I don’t want this but can I stop it?

I’ve lost all that I thought I wanted to loose and now I realise I’ve lost more than I ever wanted.

I’ve never been afraid of loneliness, ever since I can remember – maybe it’s because I was a single child? Even relationships for me really weren’t essential to my state if mind – sure you go through a phase of associating yourself with girlfriends etc but at the end of the day, I never felt that it completes me or makes something more of me. Essentially, it comes as no surprise when I start thinking about it and wonder why I don’t mind being alone. It’s funny because I’ve never worried or even noticed it and there are times when I wonder if that’s all right.

I don’t know if my needs are not those of others – I know a couple or at least a few couples that can’t do stuff without each other – that’s probably good and a socially accepted need to have. Maybe that what is healthy, I don’t know.

The most important things in life for me are loosly: Making a difference in this life, and enjoying it and having no regrets for what I like doing, so that on my death bed I can say, yeah I’m glad to go, I’ve done enough.

That’s the story of my life – I hope I can tell it that way in the future.

I’m happy. As I walk through these poorly light and eerie forest walk ways. I am drunk on life and cannot feel my heart anymore, it doesn’t beat and it dies without letting me know. How I just accept the cold, the dirt and the dark. how I wonder careless.

I’m happy.

Someone visited me from my family and stayed with me for a while. It’s amazing how some people can remind you of what you don’t want. Family sometimes is good, most times is good(as far as I’m told) but really family are just people, some who remind me how strange I am, and how much I need my time alone to remind myself what I’ve become as it’s what I am now.

sometimes I wonder that the animals in the wild get eaten because they stop and admire the beauty of nature and their sorroundings – probably not but if I was an animal, that’s how I’d probably go.

tis true…

I live a quite life of desperation.

a life,

quite.

of underlying yearning,

of desperation.

I will let myself have the chance. I will let myself succeed or fail, whichever it may be. And I will not fall into the hole of sadness when I fail, nor lie in the clouds when I succeed. Yet whichever comes my way in life, it will be at my own hand that they cone to pass.

these days of solitude are the rekoning: it is these times that I will decide how I want to live my life.