Stu In Progress

we are broken in our own little ways. These is our characteristics.

Today I’ve woken up feeling decidedly lost and confused about my world. I’m not sad. I’m just lost in between the crossroads of these thoughts that filter pass me. What doe I want my life to mean?

Turn a circle upside down and lick the wonderful from it and feel the beauty as it absorbs into your eyes’ inner soul. Breath in deep and sense the flow of freedom pulsating into you.

Face the sun and feel the soft rays wash over your eyebrows and cheeks as the day slowly whispers it’s essence into your skin.

Close your eyes.

When you’re dead you’ll never feel anything.

I suppose that if you consider the effects of being alone to be negative in some respects, then I suppose one can rationalise a psychological impact in being unable to tell someone something extraordinary.

For example, today I received a salary rise and could not express my joy to anyone but myself. I cannot communicate with my work colleagues as they may have not received such an appraisal. I cannot discuss this with a partner as I’ve none and besides overjoyed, I am suprised and somewhat bewildered – something you might deem worthy of talking about.

How much does this inability to express outwardly to a person or persons affect me psychologically? I understand the value of my accomplishment but does it require me to talk about it, to realise it or do I require the feedback from other people? Does all of this or lack of it impact on me?

An interesting observation is that as I know the value, feel it and accept it for what it is and reward myself as perhaps one would expect from peoples congratulations, feedback and support then does this fulfil that need that would otherwise be unfulfilled without the aid of social interaction? Logic says that if the need is met, by social feedback or internal self-praise then there should be no void left behind by the inability to fill it.

I am remarkably happy. I will buy myself a treat and will think about the positives that this brings to my career and outlook on life and realise that it is a massively positive thing.

I speak to you to tell you the lies in my life. The truth behind the changes within me. I come to you so that I can feel free, knowing you’ll hear me.

I sometimes decay. That which made me uncertain and boyish, that which defined me, yields now to who I am now. Are these new words that a write in my book like those that were once before?

I am harder now, scarred and less hurt, less insignificant more defined and more prepared.

I’m still cautious.

Always aware of those that still try to define me, those that held me like clay in the palm of their hands and pressed forms from between their fingers.

I learn from the depths of the shadows and height of the sunshine on my face.

Solitude is bliss. Loneliness is nothing if you don’t yearn for anybody anymore.

Loneliness is not my enemy, it’s my companion – a constant remainder that all i have is me and that I will die someday and it reminds me I’m not alone in my mind. It tells me that i can do anything, by myself, it tells me to be brave and to be bold. Loneliness makes me fearless…yet fearful of the future.

I am changed and I am not changed, I am older. I am responsible. I am skilled surgeon in unfairness, yet fear much still. I love no one, and no one loves me. I own nothing and loose nothing.

And I tell you. I am happy.

It’s a strange feeling knowing what my biggest regret will be. The more I think about it the more I wonder how crazy the idea is. I sometimes think that perhaps I can change what will happen but I know that I dont want it to happen.

When I die, I hope I will leave a legacy.
Of this, I plan now.

Of my biggest regrets, that which leaves me alone in this world will be my biggest but in this deepest lonliness, a mighty solitude will yield greatness.

I’m happy. As I walk through these poorly light and eerie forest walk ways. I am drunk on life and cannot feel my heart anymore, it doesn’t beat and it dies without letting me know. How I just accept the cold, the dirt and the dark. how I wonder careless.

I’m happy.

Someone visited me from my family and stayed with me for a while. It’s amazing how some people can remind you of what you don’t want. Family sometimes is good, most times is good(as far as I’m told) but really family are just people, some who remind me how strange I am, and how much I need my time alone to remind myself what I’ve become as it’s what I am now.