Stu In Progress

Thank you god.

I know the rules in life and I know the consequences of not following them. Sometimes I just don’t want to follow them. Its like seeing the truth, knowing it and then telling a lie to yourself. Sometimes I forget about the people around me, I forget to say hello or how are you doing. I sometimes just keep real quite and say nothing, even though I think people want me to say something. I loose touch and I think its automatic but I sometimes sit back at night and wish that I do more. Sometimes I think that I should be by myself because of this. Its only then do things not worry me. But sometimes I think that being by myself is the undoing of me for some reason. But I want it so bad. I want to not worry. Sometimes I think I’m being selfish, because I affect other people when I do or don’t do something. Sometimes I just want to have nothing to do with people I know. I love the people I know but I just don’t know.

Sometimes I think I’m in the way of life when I’m around other people – I find myself interwinding with their lives and forgetting mine- sometimes I think that I’m wasting my life – sometimes I think that being by yourself experiencing life as an individual is bliss. Then I think about what people say to be, that when I try to not do something or get involved that I must be careful not to become closed off from the world. Then I think about the rules of life, of lovers of loving and i think that this is important but for me i can only love a certain type. And sometimes I think that I’m a type that cannot be loved. So why try? I try to forget this but in the end this is how it is and the best I have is myself and life. And this is what I want, because its the only thing I know I can have and I deserve.

As time passes me, the things that were – aren’t. Cares I had care not. The things I like are things I hate and thoughts are memories that don’t relate. I falter, now like no other.

how can I have a complete picture of you? I haven’t got a complete picture of me.

I’m defending this wall that sorrounds me. I’ve seen off those that come near, I say to myself that it’s for their sake, but really it’s for me. I’m a wounded soldier, weary of everything – as it’s things that you assume are safe that hurt you the most and stay with you, that scare you.

And so, it’s my internal strugle to trust you, it’s my eternal grand demeanor that fails you. That fails me, binds me -to my world of solitude and let’s me stray away from you.

There is only room for one behind these walls – maybe only for now or maybe forever.

the water droplets run off me, within me its warm – its sore to know that each day is the same.

the furnace room is dry and its ferociously still. the wind is blowing so fierce outside and its so quite here in my mind.

i want to die for while, turn off and forget everything just for a while – only for a bit – to calm my thoughts.

something is within me, maybe its me that sits down and writes words in a book and tears the pages out and throughs them on the floor of my mind and they seap from my eyes.

amidst the quite tranquil scenery that helplessly places itself so delicately in my mind, lies a relentless thought that lives there, undefined.

It roams my mind, this beautiful beast – terrorized by itself, plagued with pain it sleeps with the flowers and rests in the shade of the day.

yet it wakes from its temporary coma so suddenly drenched in the stains of pain, it weakens while its struggles to fight the daemons that try escape from his mind into this beautiful place. They take hold of him and force him onto his knees before the quite path before him, under the sun lighted trees – its here where he collapses, infected by the weight of his destruction. like a sick animal, damaged, he fights with desperate passion to breath from the choke hold, without co-ordination he pleads with the wind to help him.

he’s still, its over – he’s weak, breathing hard – bleeding inside. they’re gone, he’s stopped them. now its time to rest, heal and recover…

he smiles, as he looks around this place – his home, protected once more from the evils within him.

the flowers smile as he passes, the rain washes off his blood as he wonders through the quite tranquil scenery…

Nothing knows any better, only quietness whispers sweet silence and no body knows any better.

he sleeps with the flowers, he rests in the shade of the day, he smiles at the sun, he cares for this place. he sleeps…

[yet,he will wake from his temporary coma...]

Sometimes i think that we occupy ourselves with things out of pure boredom or general intrest however, these things become apart of our routine and we forget about other things. the other things might be important…

for me, my distraction is computing, where we’ve made up a set of rules and invented something – it takes my time up, then like now, i think that life, living has more to do with things like, helping others in distress if we can help – nurturing things – exercising the senses – this seems like a purpose.

This is my personal internal feeling fighting inside, screaming into my ear – dying to be set free. And how i ignore it…

sometimes i realize that reasoning with irritation yields a better understanding of how it affects you ultimately.

Irritation is a short term thing that can make you decide rather quickly, however if you take the time to reason things out – you realize the long term implications and when you realize this, you’re not as irritated because going through reasoning identifies things that are beneficial as thus puts things into more perspective not just the automatic negative one that produced your original irritation.

Think before you act – you’ve got a lot of time to do so.

I need you to be the object that I aim to, the entity of being that interprets my anguish and translates my pain – you take my effect and replicate it, enhance it so that I can someday maybe understand it effects – only when its on the canvas can i tell what it is that i paint. so destructive it seems, yet implicitly it defines me so slightly in major ways unbeknown to the world around me. My soul rests in the shade of time and breaths in the scent of possibility and stares into the unknown. Whilest in the midst of things my mind wonders alone down cold corridors and like a possessed man, glazed over, leads me towards things in the wilderness of this world. how can i survive all these wolves, mysterious red-hot glowing eyes in the distance? Why am alone here? Where is the crowd that promises to protect me – those wielding fire and knives here on the shore’s edge as I approach away from the beaches inland. Where is my party?  How i wish they existed, just to feel maybe the possibility of not being responsible and directed. Though, this never comes, my reality is always constant – I am here as i always am, here to interpret life as it occurs to me.

stu