Stu In Progress

I don’t want to.

I don’t want them to feel that they can draw me out when they choose to.

A trapped mind fights to find solace in its being, weakened at birth by those around it, it forgets who it is, what it is and why it is and it feels happy at lest to be. It knows its weaknesses and is afraid. It worries that those around it will again force, hurt it and make it concede and it will remember how useless it is.

Yet, time passes and it knows so suddenly that it belongs to a gigantic Dragon – it decides veraciously not to be slave to those that did before feed on its insecurities. It vows with deadly reclection never to be victim to those that did take full advantage of its weaked state. It will rise, never again to yield to those that try to be its master – for its alive now with all consciousness and through it races flashes to the past that infuriate it, that which those before it had so cowardly provoked it with. Like that of a gang that harasses a baby rhino until it thinks itself a mere lamb, fears so intensely when the lamb is angry for the first time and then knows what it is.

It is me and i am it and it chooses when it suits it, now with unyielding distinction. It will not be summoned, nor will it give into the familiarity of despair.

Those that wake from a sudden jolt at the crack of dawn, will know It have woken.

Yet, How difficult it is to break a habit. At its newness, part of it so wants to yield, to remember the familiarity of deception. Part of it fights the apprehension yet quietly yields to indecision. Too long has it been victim to that which it did allow onto itself. It sometimes want to feel the pain of disrespect for its so familiar and then, there is that inside it that has awoken form slumber that which wants to pick itself up and fight a furious battle with all that which tries again to restrict it, its character and its self belief.

That part refuses to become disrespected and pushe to move forward, aggressively, diligently and as true to itself as it can be. It looks boldly across the valley of a thousand lies – for fortune favours the brave, and the brave do not yield.

The saddest thought I have in my life is that it will come to an end and that I will loose everything that I know, love and feel.

I’ve lost all that I thought I wanted to loose and now I realise I’ve lost more than I ever wanted.

I’ve never been afraid of loneliness, ever since I can remember – maybe it’s because I was a single child? Even relationships for me really weren’t essential to my state if mind – sure you go through a phase of associating yourself with girlfriends etc but at the end of the day, I never felt that it completes me or makes something more of me. Essentially, it comes as no surprise when I start thinking about it and wonder why I don’t mind being alone. It’s funny because I’ve never worried or even noticed it and there are times when I wonder if that’s all right.

I don’t know if my needs are not those of others – I know a couple or at least a few couples that can’t do stuff without each other – that’s probably good and a socially accepted need to have. Maybe that what is healthy, I don’t know.

The most important things in life for me are loosly: Making a difference in this life, and enjoying it and having no regrets for what I like doing, so that on my death bed I can say, yeah I’m glad to go, I’ve done enough.

That’s the story of my life – I hope I can tell it that way in the future.

tis true…

I live a quite life of desperation.

a life,

quite.

of underlying yearning,

of desperation.

I wonder sometimes why we have lives and what we should do with them. Are all lives to be spent the same way? do they ultimately represent the same thing in the end? Or is it what we do different and in what way are our lives represented when we die? do we die? Who do we represent our lives to? to other people? the next generation? god? or ourselves?

Are our lives represented at all in the end? what is the end? death is the only end we can prove. thus our lives we try to represent relative to death – we yearn remembrance when our end was not near. we yearn fulfilment of our lives. what is this fulfilment? we represent this fulfilment relative to how positive we feel about it. what is positivity? is life finding the things that we find positive or doing positive things? is life about finding positive. but why do we need to find positives? is it to realise how wonderful the experience positive is and that only through living can one experience it? is so, when we die, our experience of positives and thus life also die. then what is the purpose of dying?

It’s strange to be thinking about making mistakes. Sometimes we avoid the risk of mistake, when it’s the risk that defines us, how we cope, adapt and essentially learn.