Stu In Progress

I feel.

For without feeling – I cannot breath.

For without breath, I will surely die.

As the breath that thunders through my lungs,

the thought of you,

keeps

me

alive.

If the dogs of war come dashing over the seas to me – I will fight for you.

When fear finds us -I will stand , unmoved, unshaken and still, for you.

And if sickness waits at our door, I will wait for you.

And when sadness comes – and you cry – I will hold your tears.

For I will not falter in the morning air or become distracted in the evening mist – for I am – only that which is, while I love you.

Come with me.

Stay with me.

And let us watch the world forever.

And when you stop loving me, I’ll protect you from the darkness, I will watch you leave, I will let you take that breath that feeds me, and I will let you take from me, all that belongs to you – all that is of me.

For I will relentlessly fight the hoards at your back, the voices, the men and the woman, and I will hold back all that tries to harm you, but like a sharp sword will not bend, I will not leave.

I am of you, for you.

This is how I feel.

for without feeling – I cannot breath.

For without breath – I will surely die. and

As the breath that thunders through my lungs,

the thought of you,

keeps

me

alive.

Thank you for your email.

One insight I’ve gained from your email, and which is valuable, are the implications of not joining in this holiday’s celebrations.

Perhaps a mistake on my part was not addressing these implications initially and moreover letting them slowly turn into general assumption.

I’d like it to be known that I have only the best intentions, respect and love for my family. I am grateful, and rather privileged, to be a member of such a wonderful family and I’d like people to understand that right now – my choice, not to attend, is in no way contrary to those thoughts and feelings.

I’d also like to say how important my family is to me, and how much I regard them. However, right now – I need my family to regard my decision in this same way. It is not a lack of love or consideration that I make this decision.

Knowing this and how I feel, I hope that those things that may have been implied, due to my absence – can be seen as anything but the contrary.

As for a reason as to why I’ve decided not to attend, I only offer that timing – for me, particular in where I am in life right now, has not made this possible.

I look forward to seeing my family again in the future, however regrettably – it will not be this year.

Love,

Stuart

Hi there. I was not going to do anything more about trying to persuade you to change your mind about joining us in Dec, but I changed my mind.

Your mom called me yesterday to chat, and what I will say to you is that she is gutted that you have made the decision not to join them and us for our family reunion.

She does not understand your change of plans, and being who she is, she won’t pry, she will deal with the disappointment as stoically as she is able to. This is an amazing family, Stu that you are part of, and thru all our individual trials and tribulations we have stood by each other and the reason we want to spend Xmas together is to celebrate our bond, our love and our support for each other.

My mom (your aunty Ducks!) had she been alive, would have been the one writing this mail to you, and challenging you on your decision, but since she’s gone, I believe that I need to be the one to ask you why you can’t see your way clear to spend Xmas with your family, especially since you were so keen on a family reunion when we first bandied the idea around? What has changed your mind? Please let me understand why you have changed your mind. At least so that I can help your mom deal with your decision. This reunion has the making of a relaxing, chilled and laidback holiday where all you are expected to do is have the family holiday of a lifetime.

One of the most difficult things about being an adult is making grown up decisions, and I believe this may well be one of yours to make. Please give this more thought, we really want you with us.

Lots of love

Hi there ,

I’m not one who considers very many things in life, nor do I plan or strategise things that might be or were not. I piece together my interpretation of the world by being fortunate enough to be able to gather experiences and thoughts as they affect me. There are pieces missing, that I cannot account for nor explain, things that I have not experienced and I cannot understand – and of these, all I have of them is the thought of how I feel about them.

I value most in my life are the experiences that people are willing give me. There is nothing, no one single thing that can be done that will change or erase the beauty of life that you’ve let me know. You’ve let me understand many things far beyond kindness. This has filled in missing pieces in my life. This can never be forgotten nor grow old or depreciate in value over the years – It is now within the very fabric of my existence and will always be with me where ever life takes me and will play a role in how I live my life.

I hope that in doing this for me, you have filled in missing pieces in your life too. But there are many missing pieces that must still be found in your own life and mine and I only hope that you remember that they are still missing and until you make them apart of you, they cannot be fully realized.

I’m afraid I cannot explain what this all means? This is a missing piece. But of it – all i have it how I feel about it. Deduce what you will from this.

No matter how far apart we may become, separated or distant – your impact and result on me will remain the same. I’ll always be around, like soldiers on the same army. I imagine I’ll stay close to my family. We’ll most likely know each other for the rest of our lives and watch each others’ life progress and progress they will and should.

The question, now I feel is, what are the things that will mark and progress our lives as individuals? These, I think, are the remaining missing pieces. These are the things that will furfil our lives.

I want you to find these as much as I want to find these.

You’ve done enough for me, you are free of any obligation you put on yourself.

Now do things for you.

Stu

PS: I am ever thankful.

watch as i walk through life, i move past these times and those times and i follow the stars in the night that tell me where to go.
watch me now as i get lost, as i find myself in these dark places, where the mind weeps and the blackness watches you.
the balckness gnaws at myself – watch me as I push through these waters, these merky waters, push away the hanging leaves – darkness watches me – watch how they stain my arms with difiant and degrading reds. listen to me cough a sickly sickness as I try to draw each breath – listen to my fear shrieking from my eyes and feel my thoughts of pain.
i find myself here with him, the dark one. he hold my mind and presses my face and I feel by blood rush through my face, running away, rapidly evading the scene. turn my head around, bend my knee backwards – these are my pains in my mind – that he inflicts on me.
I push, I strain and i exert such opposition with allthat my body has to spare and i depleat my reserve.

these are the places i visit each day.

i like not to pretend to know what you mean or feel, though i think today i do.
maybe you’re right, maybe we are pulled and thrown around by stuff we can’t see or don’t want to see.
And its sometimes odd,strange and sometimes insignificant and seemingly unnoticible things that can make the *real* impacts in your life…i dont know..but i suppose its so easy to mess up.So easy.
sometimes i think they’re sinister, trying to catch you out, decieve you and trick you..its almost unfair that its such small things that seem to stalk us so quietly with no detection can be the very stuff that changes whole worlds upside down…sometimes i just don’t know.
but sometimes i think, though on a totally diffirent place, that people are important…everyone, everywhere that you’ve ever known or met is somehow apart of you, they’ve defined you and they are with you every step of the way wherever you might go or end up…i like to think that i’m never alone…i’m always around and apart of everyone i knew/know is with me…pretty stupid i know, but sometimes i don’t think so.it makes me feel good.
i like to think you’re right, that i know whats going to happen, but honestly sometimes i wonder.
sometimes i think i feel like im in a game sometimes and i feel the highs and lows during a monopoly game i feel it in life too and sometimes i think i’m winning in life cos i feel those same kinda feelings and highs and sometimes i can ‘see’ other people in the game, the ones who’ve just had to pay rent, pay parking fines …sometimes i can see these feelings from the game… in real life … though sometimes i think its just me being wierd-but i like to think its real.
though sometimes i really just don’t know-and i think i like not knowing…cos whatever i do, i don’t feel guilty about things that happen.but maybe i think that if i just do what i feel and never lie to myself and enjoy myself things will somehow just work out fine – all i want is to be fine – no very ambisious maybe but to me i think its everything i’d ever wish for…cliche maybe – but true i think.
But people are important, no doubt and they can change you. Studies can change you, friends can change you, mom and dad change you, school changes you, boyfriends and girl friends change you…but only i think,if you let them, and sometimes i think its up to us to give them permission to change us – and change with the one that we want to.People are imoprtant – you’re right – i like to think so anyway.
Sometimes (but not too often) i think we need special people to share us, our problems and thoughts and pretty much just experiance things with us and in doing so comfort us and give us security and friendship and maybe(i think)…worth-but maybe worth is not this, its what we already have – we just need these special people to remind us. I still really don’t know, though i think so.

I want to see myself in a small apartment, white, friendly neighbors…my longed eared beagle bob, chewing my stress ball on my comfy couch(making very determined noises ) infront of the tv…a small fridge just small enough to fit into the space next to the builtin cupboard above the stove, a sliding door that open over a street with icy bright puddles on the road.
and on the bed is my suit and laptop next to my keys and a sudoku puzzle book.My slippers and Pj’s thrown over a chair and my laundy …wanting to be washed…and a baby book shelf with some gentle reading…

and i hope i have to work very very hard and i hope that i struggle and fight and i just make enough to ‘be’.
I wish…to ‘be’ just this nothing less, maybe more..im not sure-but its a good start i think.

i think i’m detecting a blog entry here…sorry,I’ll stop and switch over now…

Stu

ps, I still dont know.

I realised when i was writing this how my style of writing had changed from the usual “throw it all out there” approach.I found myself actaully selecting words to use, deciding which ones were better and stuff.Anyway she liked the disk – i hate it now, sometimes i feel that gave far too much of myself out there at the mercy of her perspectives that i find are not mine – funny

the nice thing though is that i developed – but i did have repocussions though that i didn’t think i could experianced again.

oh no.

when you go quiet, i think the worst.

I’m so nervous i could scream ……aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh ……… thats a little better, i little.

so,so,soooooooooo what you think ? huh? huh? i feel like im 9 again!

okay i know its pretty suky, but c’mon it beats typing.

im so sick of hearing my myself now – i think i must have played that disc to myself about 24568587542345677654345678876 times ( give and take a couple…)

wondering, no, not wondering, convincing myself that, no ,its not too much, no, its not too little . you see that kind of thing is so difficult to make – you can’t just grab your guitar and bash at it( i wanted to though – wanted to expariment with this new beeeeautifual gentle strum i found just that day- i was supposed to include it – but i forgot it, can you flippin belive me, me nether.) – this aint no rock concert , its a fine line between too much – you can’t hear squat and just a gentle tingle here and their , so that it distracts the listening so that they dont dig too deep into the words – i must say that after about 863462353423 or so times, i thought that it sounded almost sad, and lonley and all mushy – then i was like – na thats just the music and thats just melody thats acting up here, so then i was like, hey just read the words, forget the sound and the humm, then you read and then you’re like – na this sounds wierd – the music doesn’t suit the words – its almost deaf by hearin -you listen to the words and they dont fit the page which they appear on – like oil in h20 – it just hold it there.

i rekoned in the end that its just enough to write a letter and im flippin gat vol now if i must re-paint my finger tips cos it dont fit -im lazy in my mind – always was will bee and neva gonna change ! viva la’ restance!!

its simply by i think it is just enough to carry a nice, rounded okay oval message.

in the end, i dicided – relax ! its just a letter – you’re not writing an exam – it happens.

i feel like a little child waiting for to go the the circus, as soon as my dads gets home, or like the chrismas eve, at night waiting to see santa and swearing that tonight, you gonna catch santa in the act.

i hope you liked it – i hate it now.

So crit me huge – okay not huge -take it easy, im fragile at the moment.

k, im going to wait for your crit – excited !

take it easy -> im gonaa go have a double martini on the rocks.hhaaha

Stu

All in all, i think that my experiances with people that i’ve come to know are incredible – i think i am a little abstract in my meanings – a draw alot from them, from things that happen.I seem to hold a very emotional approach to many things – i am very confused in life because their is so much of it out – and how can we know what we want – I think it exciting to feel this way – nothing is as concrete as we’d perhaps like it to be.This is nice ‘cos then you can define your own standards and goals in life.It is pretty cool then.My confessions by email have changed me in more ways than i could ever imagine.Their very emotional and seemingly obscure thoughts and concepts were generated from places that are very new to me.I remain very appreciative that they were nurtured by the recipient – and if you’re reading this “thank you”.I world if full of many things that are too big to grasp in their entirety and sometimes seems like you are a ant at the foot of a sign that says “causion” but you can’t see it because you are so so close to it – It is now that the concepts of personal thought come into the equation.When we define our own boundries – then standards are set according to our personalities.This is what i endure to accomplish.Its difficult though.Confessiosn by email meant a whole lot to me – i can see their uses and meanings in my everyday life.I have come to realise that not everyone feels the same about things that i feel.This is inevitable but usefull.It’s pretty amazing how alot of my inndr thoughs seem poetic – but this is due to thier emotional connotations , and thats what its all about – exploring your self concious – discoverying ones personality and in this way, describing oneself or finding oneself – you are being true to not only yourself but to be people that are at the other end that have to read this stuff. I have learnted amoug other things not to impose my thoughts apon people like the recipient of my confessions by email – you think of this as a given, but it only means somthing when you come to realise it and then define it.Same with cliche’s . you know that they are normally right, but until you recite them out of your mind – then you know that they have a real meaning, so imposing things on others is a clich’e but i identified it in my situations that i exparienced – so they are of more meaning than just that they are cliches – they are personally redeined cliches’.It is important for me to keep people and things that are instrumental in my development with me, or if not possible, close to me or for me not to forget them.Fortunatly most of the people that are part of my redefinition process are still around and i communicate every once in a while- sometimes i feel that me expariances with them sometimes – estranges me from them.My needs are not the same as most people – so most of the time responces are undefined – be they still responces none the less – this sounds wiered – its not.So this closes a chapter in my emotinoal development – but it wont go unforgotten.That i reserve as a right to maintain.I can’t find the lyrics of my recording i sent to her – I’ll see if i can get her to mail me them back, i typed them out though and sent them with the CD i sent her…mmmm Supopse i should ask her to send my emails i sent to her back to me – That’s almost like sacralidge, but lemme give it a try…The recordings are themselves pices from my mind and emotions..I’ll try to get them – maybe i have them lying around.Another thing is that i dont want to change things that have been left in a certain way – for example with the recipient of my confessiosn by email – i think the less i speak with her the better she will carry on( with her life and emotional development – because it is a two way thing ).We are all at some stage of the same development.

this is my thank-you letter.

thank you for trying to understand me
thank you for giving me the chance to lift these pieces of battle ridden armour off my shoulders.
thank you for knowing when i needed to talk and listening to me – even though it made no sense.
thank you for helping me even though i wasn’t helping you.
thank you for being here, now to hear me, to free me from myself.

most of all i thank you for giving me that oppertunity to know you.

their is nothing more that i want from you, you have given me everything that is important
and meaningfull.

maybe ill make it maybe i wont
maybe i’ll find myself, maybe i wont
maybe i’ll be there for you maybe i wont
maybe you’ll write back to me , maybe you wont.
maybe i’ll see you again, maybe i wont

but if i dont, thats okay.

you’re a winner

i am so very proud of you that you have found someone who makes you feel you.
im along way from there, but im working on it, im working at making me feel me.
the nice thing i feel right now is this feeling of freeness from you, a great freedom of openness.
i am stepping into a quite place , a wonderful place, right here where everything seem to radiate a comforatable unknowingness.and thats okay.
i have released myself from myself here for a while, ithink im liking this new process im taking of discovering myself.

i have taken a quite convervative approach of late, i have worked at it though.
i have met two people that make me scared this year.
i have subtly stepped out of their way( how i did that i have no idea ), but i managed to which
is important.
i dont think im searching but im being found.
the good news is that i think im getting there.
i am not trying to reach a certain approach, im just trying to read my mind.
i like to think of you as my second conscious, my transission from holding back and letting go.
so before i want to know someone, i need to know a little more about myself.
im learning me and its fun.
i am doing more things that i want
i decided the other day to start judo again, i have been doing it for about a month now.
and its good.
the bad news is that im getting my butt kicked( even by girls).but thats okay.
im taking time off, its great.
im finding myself.
finally! i think.

its nice to think fate has a defined way, like you say, and thats a good thing.
it makes us feel that what we do makes no effect on the things that happen.
its nice for me to think like that but strangly enough, i dont feel that way.
why i say things like this is cos if it was true, i would have no control in my life, and nothing i do has any impact on the thing that i expariance.
so i feel its the effects that we produce that makes things to tend to bend in a certain way.
but hey, thats just me.
i am just so grateful that i can speak with you again.

and im glad that your happy, so
im happy too.

you said that you are good at listening, thats good, cos im good at telling.

fondest regards

stu